I Think You Are cRaZy!

For many years my friends and loved ones have claimed that they often don't realize that I stutter. They say that after getting to know me and talking to me often, they just ignore the stuttering and think of it as just part of how I talk. Though some also claim to start stuttering after talking to me a long time! They say that its often surprising to them when a new friend or acquaintance brings up the stutter or asks about it in confidence. There's sort of like "Oh yeah, Kevin stutters...I forgot to mention that." They say that its just part of my essence and don't notice it any more. Karen w/"K" Cherone even claims to not have known that I stuttered at all until another friend pointed it out weeks later. LIAR. but I still like you.

I guess its just impossible for me to imagine that people don't realize I stutter all the time when talking, because its literally the only thing I think about every single time I open my mouth. My brain is like a thesaurus and every word I choose is carefully selected from all the other words that could be said in its place. I know I'm going to stutter on a word before it hits my throat/mouth. So I quickly think of another word that I could say instead of the pending stuttering word to get that out quickly and avoid the stutter altogether. Think about this for a minute, every time I ever stutter, that's the EASIEST word that I can say at that moment! So just imagine how bad I'd sound if I only went with the first word that came to mind!?!?! We'd be here a while...
I know therapists tell stutterers not to do this, do not be afraid of words and quickly try to throw a different word out there to trick the stutter. But this is easier said than done. Actually, its the first thing I noticed when I started using the SpeechEasy device, I could try and use the first word I meant and it generally worked out well enough.

So with that said, because I think about stuttering every second that I'm speaking, I have a hard time believing people that say they don't notice it very often. I hope friends aren't just being nice when they say it... but knowing some of my friends, I doubt that's the case! ;)

But then again, as I was planning this post in my head I realized that I don't often notice friend's accents after a while. I mean, sometimes a certain pronunciation of a word will trigger a cue in my head but not often. I was thinking specifically about my friend Jenna from New Zealand. She has a heavy accent but after 2 minutes of talking to her, I don't pay any attention and instead focus on the content of the words she's saying. Occasionally I'll hear a word that "sounds funny" and my subconscious will pick up on it but for the majority of the time I just listen and respond as if she too had a heavy Chicago accent.
I guess this phenomenon of listening to accents also accounts for people picking up accents after spending a great deal of time in a foreign country or talking with someone for long periods of time with an accent. Maybe this same thing is why friends have noticed that they start to stutter around me? See, even your subconscious wants to be like me!
Though its still not OK to start "acting ghetto" around black friends, white people!

So maybe I'm starting to understand what friends have said for years that they don't always notice when I stutter in random conversation or when we shoot the shit...
But I still think you're all crazy!

Open About Difficulties

So I've been at my new job for over 8 months now, not so new anymore huh?
What I like about it (aside from the obvious parts of it being in my field and more money and not sleeping overnight) is that I really feel like the company and my supervisors are on my side. This comes especially true in regards to my stuttering. For the first time with a job and clients/customers I can be truly open about my stuttering and talk about it with the kids. I feel like they understand and appreciate my openness in regards to my stuttering. The kids are genuinely curious about my SpeechEasy device and always want to have it in their ear to hear what it sounds like. Its sort of funny how they act in regards to my SpeechEasy too, during a fight or restraint, they (sub?)consciously avoid my left ear so the device doesn't get damaged. How funny that in their moments of rage and craziness, they avoid damaging the SpeechEasy. They don't care about damaging anything else, in fact they often target things to damage!

I really started to notice these trends when I interviewed for a new position within the company last week. I told the interviewer that the kids are really fascinated by my stuttering and want to know all about it. I told her that I think its something that the kids can understand that its difficult for me to talk sometimes but I always manage to communicate effectively.

The new position requires a lot of phone calls and work over the phone to plan meetings and get the kids on the hospital unit, out and into other placements. I told the interviewer that I'm no longer afraid of the phone and recounted a story that happened the previous week when I had to be on the phone for several calls dealing with my car and a repair. I told her that; yes, its difficult but I'm very open with it and after a short explanation of the "cutting in and out" or pauses, people on the phone are very easy to deal with and I am able to communicate well. I think she appreciated my honesty about the difficulties but willingness to work through it and get the job done.

Hopefully I made a good enough impression because it seems like a great job that I would do well at... also has better hours, no weekends or holidays and more money = WIN!

D. NOT U. I.

I had just eaten a wonderful meal at my dear friend Mark Luebker's restaurant, Stoney River in Deer Park. If you haven't been there, its AWESOME! The steak is delicious, great appetizers, other food, dessert, wine, hell even the butter is better than any other butter you've ever had!

Any way, I enjoyed a glass of wine with my pork chop dinner and thought nothing of it, there was not enough for any speech-altering moments (see previous posts).
As I drove home, south on Rand Road, I might have been distracted by putting my gps back in the glove box and maybe sped a little bit. When I saw the police lights in my rear view mirror, I assumed that he noticed I had my dome light on and was putting a gps in the glove box (not while moving of course) and was pulling me over for being a dumb ass.
So when the officer asked if I knew the speed limit on Rand, before the last light I had to honestly answer that I didn't. I didn't think traffic was light enough to be traveling more than a few mph over so was dumbfounded when he said I was going 47 in a 30. OOPS!
He asked me where I was going, since I live in the city, and I explained that I had just eaten dinner at my friend's restaurant down the street. He asked if I had anything to drink that night and I was honest and said I had a glass of wine but that was a while ago by now (dessert took a long time to eat).
Now, as you can imagine my speech was pretty bad because I was pretty nervous about being pulled over in Palatine.
So when he asked again about drinking I responded that I only had the one drink and I told him that I had a stuttering problem (surprisingly w/o stuttering) and that I wasn't drunk, just stuttering.
(As Jimmy and others later pointed out, if I had been drinking a lot I wouldn't have stuttered, but that's for another post)
But he didn't to hear anything about the stutter or my excuses and started getting very short with me. He first asked me to touch my nose and when that was fine, he pulled out a breathe-alizer and seemed sure that he would bust me.
I said no problem and blew a .025. For those of you that don't know, Illinois' legal limit is .08 so .025 is well below the limit.
The officer saw this number and was now his turn to be dumbfounded. I again explained that I had a speech problem and this time removed my Speech Easy device from my pocket (it wasn't in my ear because I had music playing and the windows down, Mom) and said that I used it to assist with my speech difficulties.
He looked very embarrassed and sort of stumbled for a minute (maybe he needs a Speech Easy) and said he was sorry... and I could go on my way!

Since I told this story last week, people have said I should be angry about it and sue the town for discrimination but lets face facts, I probably was speeding and I'd assume someone not speaking clearly after dinner was drunk too. As we've talked about before, the blocking form of stuttering is less clear. If I'd said that I'd been coming from St-st-st-stoney River instead of SSSSTTTToney River, I might not have been pulled out of the car and still gotten the ticket after all.
So the important lesson from this is...

STUTTERING SAVES TRAFFIC TICKETS!!!!

SpeechEasy in the News

The same device that I use is in the news this week. Its gained quite a bit of attention lately because of its tiny nature and ability to be almost invisible, unlike hearing-aid devices of the past.
I chose this paticular model, mainly because it sits behind the ear and then has a clear tube into the ear. My previous model was completely in the ear, so I guess less visible, but didn't have an on/off switch. It was too hard to use in a place with any background noise at all. Imagaine a busy restaurant and all the untensils hitting plates or people talking... ouch! The new one that sits behind the ear can be worn all the time and be off if I'm not talking or in a quiet place. Its much easier to remember to turn it on and use the device if its in the ear vs in my pocket and obviously not on. Also, its much less hot and sweaty! Ear sweat is really gross, trust me.

http://stutteringnews.com/2011/03/30/spotlight-on-stuttering-by-the-daily-reflector/

"We Drink 'Till Princess Speaks Clearly."

In case you've never met me, you should know that certain amounts of adult beverages make the speech flow much easier... sometimes too easily. In this session, we'll explore why and how that happens and relive some funny moments.

So stuttering is basically an anxiety disorder. Its not officially classified as such but because of how the brain processes speech in the oral and auditory sections of the temporal lobe (see Dr Wertz, I learned stuff). Its officially classified as a learning disorder in the literature but I think that's crap. I think its more of a social anxiety disorder or something along those lines. When I'm alone, I can talk to myself for hours (weirdo) without a single hint of a stutter, but then sometimes I do stutter when I'm alone. I even stutter in my dreams... weirder.
A few months ago I had to make a phone call and I knew I was going to get the voicemail (stutterer's worst nightmare... DON'T GET CUT OFF! PRESSURE!!!!!) so I recorded a message that I wanted to leave on the voicemail. Its really funny and kind of crazy; when I was writing it and practicing the message, I didn't stutter at all. The instant I pressed record on the computer, I stuttered!?! WTF Mate? Don't tell me its not a social anxiety disorder.

So this brings up the use of alcohol. What's the best ingredient for social lubrication? All together class... "Alcohol".
Ever get really nervous about giving a big speech or asking a crush on a date? What do you do? Take shots or pound a beer, right? Now imagine that you have that feeling of nervousness of asking the pretty girl at the bar for her number ALL THE TIME! OK, its not that bad, I do get nervous is big situations like that and its much worse. But its similar. Every time I open my mouth, subconsciously I'm nervous. If I drank to calm the nerves that much, I would've had 16 liver transplants by now and been dead for years. Not a good suggestion...
But sometimes, I've been known to turn to the bottle for those most nerve-racking occasions. Giving a speech at the wedding of my two best friends. I was literally shaking and had 4 rum and cokes in a few minutes with Zach and was much calmer... and it worked, I gave a hella-good speech and didn't stutter much. I've also been known to take a few shots before an important phone-interview for a job and that usually goes well too. Unfortunately, I can't take shots before an in-person interview. As much as I would like to do that, I think social work positions would frown upon a candidate showing up smelling like whiskey.

I really don't do this planned drinking to speak clearly that often. Probably under 10 times in my life. Its just really funny to me to talk about.
I would never have discovered this phenomenon without the awesome support of my friends in High School and College. Obviously if I'm tipsy enough to not stutter, I'm probably not going to have the capacity to think about why that is or remember the awesome nature of my speaking ability the next day. It wasn't until after several of these occasions that people started to broach the topic and we became aware of my superpower. Unlike my cousin Amber, that looses her ability to speak clearly after a few cocktails, I gain powers of speech bested only by Hollywood's elitist actors. OK that's not true. I speak better but not great, its usually just faster speech and I often have to repeat myself, but maybe that's just the loud nature of bars and parties.

A familiar phrase at parties is "Kevin, drink more!" This comes at times when the rest of the party attendees think I should be speaking more clearly than I am at the moment, given the length of time at the party. Its basically a mathematical formula...
Of course the fun of Kevin speaking clearly has its limits. As far as I know its only happened a few times; but one must look out for the re-stutter. This occurs after a long period of great speaking paired with continued drinking. The dreaded re-stutter can be misleading because friends think that I've been lolly-gagging in the pursuit of drunken happiness. But in fact, I've had too much and should have stopped long ago. Of course the other consequence of being in such a situation occur later in the evening with much sickness.

I don't want everyone to get the wrong idea. I don't specifically go to parties or bars to speak clearly. Only job interviews and wedding toasts, duh. I go out or hang out with friends to be social and have a good time, the speaking clearly is just one of many awesome benefits.

So for all of you young stutterers out there, drink often and you'll speak better! It can be a fun game at parties. Sort of like "pin the tail on the donkey" but wait for the stutterer to talk pretty. Then, you know its a night to remember... or forget. But don't do it in school or in front of your family, it gets awkward... and wait until you're 21...or think you're old enough to want to drink... And be careful of the re-stutter, you'll regret it later. TRUST ME!

Dr. Gold Glove or How I Almost Worked for the Cubs

For several years now I have wanted to work for the Chicago Cubs. They are my beloved team (yes, more than the Packers) and I love all the time I've spent at Wrigley Field, its a great place to watch a game, win or lose.

I had an early morning customer at Starbucks at Broadway/Lawrence who worked in the Crowd Control area and she would tell us stories from yesterday's game about silly drunken fans or general craziness. We, in turn, working in Uptown would share stories with her from the previous day as well and it was a general giggle-fest about how crazy our various jobs were.

Then last year I was talking to her and decided to apply for a position in her department on a part-time basis. However, I applied too late and then moved stores and couldn't ask her to get me in on the DL.

This year I was not going to miss my opportunity to work in the ballpark. I emailed the Cubs a few times in the early new year and eventually got a phone interview for the Crowd Safety position. Now, if you know me at all you know that I HATE phone interviews. I can't decide if I hate them more if I know they are coming (at least I can pre-drink to get relaxed) or if its a spontaneous call and I don't have time to get anxious. More on the phone call parts of stuttering to come in a later post.

So I had the interview and it went well and I was scheduled for a face to face interview at the ballpark. I had that interview in Mike Quade's office (no, he wasn't there. They just use various rooms in the old ballpark as needed) with two senior employees and that went really well. I was very relaxed and barely stuttered at all. They actually offered me a 3rd interview on the spot.

The 3rd interview was a group interview (double-gulp!) in the player's locker room with 10 other applicants. This one went very well too and I was funny and spoke fairly clear throughout the interview as well.

They called me a few days later and offered me the position with Crowd Safety. I was very pumped and excited for the opportunity to attend all the Cubs home games and get a little extra money too! I went in the next week to fill out all the proper tax forms and employment stuff... Before I did all the paperwork and got my uniform I had to sign in at reception. I had a little trouble saying my name (the hardest thing for stutterers to get out is their name, I don't know why) and before I could, a manager came up behind me and said "you must be Kevin." I didn't think anything of it, I suppose it would be important for him to know that a new employee had a stutter, makes sense. But then when I was signing all my paper work I noticed a rather large Post-It on the front of my file that said "SEVERE STUTTER" I sort of made a jab comment that I was famous and thought nothing of it after. But then while I was getting my uniform I noticed that my job description said Parking Attendant and not Crowd Safety like I applied and was hired. I asked the manager guy about it and he got a really worried look in his eyes and took my file and asked me to wait while he went and talked to his supervisor. I noticed that the Post-It was still on the file and was starting to get suspicious.

He came back and said that his boss would like to talk with me to straighten things out. I waited for him for 20 minutes and he called me into a very large office. I could tell he was a big wig in the Cubs. He asked me what the problem was and then explained that the only positions available were for the Parking Attendant and that I couldn't work in Crowd Safety because the spots were full. I asked him why then was I told that I was hired for that position and asked if the sudden change had anything to do with my speech impediment. He got very nervous and fumbled with his words for a minute and then said that of course it wasn't because I was offered a job with the Cubs so it couldn't possibly be because of my stuttering. So I asked him about the fact that I never interviewed for the Parking job and then brought up the Post-It that suddenly wasn't on my file. He looked around for a few seconds and acted like he'd never seen any Post-It and started asking me when I saw it and where. I explained, again, that it was on the cover of my file, 10 minutes ago when he was handed the file from the other manager. He got up and said that he would ask the other people in the office and "get to the bottom of this". After several minutes he came back to the office and said that nobody had seen any Post-It and was sure that the position had nothing to do with my speech. But just to make sure, he was going to talk to my interviewers and then I could come back on Wednesday to talk with him again.

I was MAD, let me tell ya! I've been bullshitted (sp?) about speech and jobs before and gotten the run around about how "we're equal opportunity employers" and your speech has nothing to do with being hired or not... Bullshit!

So on Wed. I came back ready to crack some skulls but actually ended up having a very nice conversation with the two people that interviewed me in the group interview. They assure me that the positions in Crowd Safety were filled at the time of my initial interview and based on my experiences with Starbucks and all, they felt good about offering me a position in the customer service area of Parking and likely moving up to a manager-like role for cash-handling experience. I didn't feel good about the different position but at least it wasn't because of my speech... or so they said. We actually did talk about the speech aspect and I felt good about being offered a job at all.

As it turns out, I couldn't have done either job any way because of my current schedule at work. They were nice about that too and discussed logistics with keeping both jobs but it wouldn't have worked out because you just never know how long a baseball game will last and I would've had to stay the whole time and that wouldn't work with medications or cooking dinner at the current job at NFC. They wished me luck and then said I could come back if I got a different job or a more flexible schedule and wouldn't have to go through the whole interview process again.

I thought this story was about job interviewing at stuttering and not being hired because of my speech impediment but I guess it turns out that it wasn't. The cynical part of me says to stop being naive and just admit that they weren't going to offer the job because of my speech and there's no way they would've still interviewed for a position that was filled.

But I'm not going that route, I feel good about this process and the fact that I was at least offered another job. Its a good start. And like Kristin Lee reminded me, now I can just go to games and not have to yell at drunk fans.

A Long Time Ago in a Galaxy exactly like this one...

Our hero was four years old and his parents started to notice that his speech development wasn't coming along as normal as it should. I was lucky that they realized it somewhat early because I got tested and eventually diagnosed with "blocking form" of stuttering. This is much less common that the popular "stammering" (T-T-T-Today Junior) so it was initially unclear if I was stuttering or had some other, more common speech deficit.
Speech difficulties are very common in young children and the lucky ones either grow out of it or have successful speech therapies and overcome their stammer of lisp or trouble saying "R" or a thousand other things. It has not been as easy for me and I've been in various forms of speech therapy, off and on for 23 years. Damn, that seems like a long time, but I didn't go for several years in my teenage years so I guess its not that bad.

I actually remember my first speech lesson with my first speech therapist, Mrs Campbell. I think it might be my earliest memory. Not because it was super traumatic or memorable for a revelation reason but I had a terrible ear infection and just remember crying loudly during the initial interview and being very unhappy. I had no idea that I stuttered or was any different than the other kids. My neighborhood friends didn't bring it up and didn't care.

I was involved in some pretty intense speech therapy for about 10 years and was doing quite well. I was heavily involved in the drama club at school and had fairly large roles in several plays and improv troops. My mom said I was the cutest little nazi boy she'd ever seen (Ralf from "Sound of Music") I ran for Student Council several times and even gave a candidacy speech in front of the whole grade school and only struggled on one word: "Responsible" Probably because it was a lie, I'm not responsible!

Did I Stutter?!?!?

In case its unclear by now, I think stuttering is HILARIOUS! Especially my own difficulties. My old AOL screen name was Stuttering Kev and I even did a huge research project in college on the biology of stuttering and used a rap lyric (about stuttering) as the title. Even my license plates mock my difficulty with the "S" sound...SSSSSS...

I feel that making light of the stutter, especially in the middle of a difficult word makes it easier and breaks the tension in the room, but most importantly, breaks my own tension for a few seconds.

On the rare occasion that I don't stutter and people either can't understand me or aren't listening and ask me to repeat myself, I love asking "Did I stutter?" with attitude. Always good for a laugh... Its even funnier if people don't know that I stutter or are new friends and don't know that its OK to joke about stuttering around me.
As long as its funny and done with love, I say bring it!

Media of the Day: Simple Jack from "Tropic Thunder"

I still think blogs are stupid...

Four Score and Seven Years Ago, my dear friend/roommate/life partner Kelli had a dream that I started a blog about my experiences with stuttering. She's a pretty big deal in the blogosphere (did i just use that word?) and crafter so you should check out her blog and crafts too.
http://oururbanfarmhouse.blogspot.com/

Because of the Oscar winning film "The King's Speech" I've recently had a lot of people ask to hear more about my story and my experiences with stuttering. I guess its fitting because I pretty much always talk about stuttering and make fun of myself (and others) for stuttering. I like talking about it (or trying to talk about it) HA! so I took Kelli's advice and started a blog.

I guess I'll use this blog to talk about my background and journey and where I want to go in life, in dealing with stuttering. I've been trying to get a new job or promotion for several years now and I feel like my speech has sometimes hindered my career development. Maybe talking about it and the experiences will make it easier and thus aide in my development? Or maybe this will just be funny as hell as I continue to struggle with speech and share it with whoever chooses to read this crap.

So sit back, relax and let me take you on a journey.... feel free to unbuckle your pants, get comfy. At least its typed and not an oral history...