To Buy of Not to Buy, That is the Question...

So it’s been a while since I've posted anything kids, which is weird because stuttering is always on my mind, always... but I never know what to write about it or how to express it... until now.
I lost my SpeechEasy device in July while riding my bike home from work and stopped off to have a cold beverage with a lovely lady. While at the bar, I realized that my bag was unzipped but didn't think anything of it... So ends the story of the 2nd SpeechEasy device... :(
After coming to terms with my dear friend's departure I also realized that my insurance policy was about to expire and I didn't feel comfortable making a claim until I had renewed and then had a few weeks with the renewed policy.
So last week, I called my agent, Kevin, and made a claim on the device. After several phone calls and basically proving to the claims agents that I REALLY needed a new one I was told I was approved for the full amount of a new one and awaited the check.

During this last week, I've been looking further at my bills in preparation for leaving for the Peace Corp (maybe?) sometime these next few months. I occasionally take an inventory of money-owed vs perceived time to pay it and each time, it looks better but still very very daunting! But fear not friends, Kevin is going to make it and will be debt free by the time he goes to some tiny country where I'll be in the 1%...

So when this check came tonight, I noticed that its almost the exact amount of the current bills I need to pay off. (SpeechEasys are REALLY expensive!)
I had a moment of asking myself, do I really need this? Or do I need to pay off my shit first? I was sitting by my Dad and asked him what he thought about the situation I was facing.
In typical Larry Gebraski fashion, he hummed and hawed and I could tell he was coming with a very reasonable and thought filled answer.
He said that he could tell that I really needed another SpeechEasy because my speech has been really bad without it. But at the same time, paying off my bill and then saving money over the next few months for another one would be smart too because I would end up paying less money overall with credit card fees and interest rates n such. Having no bills would also be a HUGE relief and might also assist in my speech fluency. We all know how much stress play a role in the stutter! Hence the drunken-no-stutter...He said I could just save money and buy a new one in a few months.

I debated it for a while but ended up thinking to myself how much more difficult it is to manage my stuttering without the aid of the device. Call it a crutch or an aide, I don't know...I'm not sure the device itself does anything more than remind me to use the fluency techniques I have learned in the first 25 years of speech therapy.
But isn't that reason enough to have one?

I feel like whether or not the SpeechEasy makes me speak better because of how it works in terms of auditory feedback, having it makes my speak better because of the confidence that it brings me.
Sounds silly right? It is... but then again that’s the beast that is stuttering. IT MAKES NO FUCKING SNESE!!! Just like there's no physical reason that a certain letter or word should be so hard to say one minute but not the next, having a device that just serves as a confidence booster is as helpful for speech fluency as all the therapy combined.
Weird man, fucking weird!

I made up my mind to use the money to buy a new device and keep up working extra to pay off my bills before I leave because frankly, I don't like feeling this way!
I don't like feeling so tense with my speech all the time and not feeling like I have the confidence to speak freely whenever I want to do so.
Now don't get me wrong, it doesn't stop me from talking or being a team-leader at work (for really, people tell me I talk too much all the time) but I feel a lack of confidence in doing so.
With the SpeechEasy device I have the confidence to say whatever I want and not try and trick the stutter monsters and get through speaking with a struggle.
Another thing to keep in mind is that I'm (hopefully!) about to jump in the deep end of a new culture and experience that couldn't be further from my comfort zone!
I'm REALLY nervous about going abroad and learning a new language and experiencing a new culture. Frankly, my stuttering is the only worry I have with the whole process. I know I'm going to do well and help out a lot, but my biggest fear in America is meeting strangers or introducing myself... what will it be like with a totally new language and people that already are going to judge me? Damn!

At the end of this long story, sorry friends. I'm getting a new SpeechEasy device because I need it. I need whatever help I can in dealing with this stuttering thing and the confidence that it brings me will serve me well as I begin the scariest part of my life!

The King's Speech Supercut

I should laugh because its a really heartfelt movie with a great message that I should be proud of... but c'mon 3 minutes of stuttering is 3 minutes of stuttering AKA HILARIOUS! http://thedailywh.at/2012/05/18/supercut-of-the-day-79/