I Think You Are cRaZy!

For many years my friends and loved ones have claimed that they often don't realize that I stutter. They say that after getting to know me and talking to me often, they just ignore the stuttering and think of it as just part of how I talk. Though some also claim to start stuttering after talking to me a long time! They say that its often surprising to them when a new friend or acquaintance brings up the stutter or asks about it in confidence. There's sort of like "Oh yeah, Kevin stutters...I forgot to mention that." They say that its just part of my essence and don't notice it any more. Karen w/"K" Cherone even claims to not have known that I stuttered at all until another friend pointed it out weeks later. LIAR. but I still like you.

I guess its just impossible for me to imagine that people don't realize I stutter all the time when talking, because its literally the only thing I think about every single time I open my mouth. My brain is like a thesaurus and every word I choose is carefully selected from all the other words that could be said in its place. I know I'm going to stutter on a word before it hits my throat/mouth. So I quickly think of another word that I could say instead of the pending stuttering word to get that out quickly and avoid the stutter altogether. Think about this for a minute, every time I ever stutter, that's the EASIEST word that I can say at that moment! So just imagine how bad I'd sound if I only went with the first word that came to mind!?!?! We'd be here a while...
I know therapists tell stutterers not to do this, do not be afraid of words and quickly try to throw a different word out there to trick the stutter. But this is easier said than done. Actually, its the first thing I noticed when I started using the SpeechEasy device, I could try and use the first word I meant and it generally worked out well enough.

So with that said, because I think about stuttering every second that I'm speaking, I have a hard time believing people that say they don't notice it very often. I hope friends aren't just being nice when they say it... but knowing some of my friends, I doubt that's the case! ;)

But then again, as I was planning this post in my head I realized that I don't often notice friend's accents after a while. I mean, sometimes a certain pronunciation of a word will trigger a cue in my head but not often. I was thinking specifically about my friend Jenna from New Zealand. She has a heavy accent but after 2 minutes of talking to her, I don't pay any attention and instead focus on the content of the words she's saying. Occasionally I'll hear a word that "sounds funny" and my subconscious will pick up on it but for the majority of the time I just listen and respond as if she too had a heavy Chicago accent.
I guess this phenomenon of listening to accents also accounts for people picking up accents after spending a great deal of time in a foreign country or talking with someone for long periods of time with an accent. Maybe this same thing is why friends have noticed that they start to stutter around me? See, even your subconscious wants to be like me!
Though its still not OK to start "acting ghetto" around black friends, white people!

So maybe I'm starting to understand what friends have said for years that they don't always notice when I stutter in random conversation or when we shoot the shit...
But I still think you're all crazy!

Open About Difficulties

So I've been at my new job for over 8 months now, not so new anymore huh?
What I like about it (aside from the obvious parts of it being in my field and more money and not sleeping overnight) is that I really feel like the company and my supervisors are on my side. This comes especially true in regards to my stuttering. For the first time with a job and clients/customers I can be truly open about my stuttering and talk about it with the kids. I feel like they understand and appreciate my openness in regards to my stuttering. The kids are genuinely curious about my SpeechEasy device and always want to have it in their ear to hear what it sounds like. Its sort of funny how they act in regards to my SpeechEasy too, during a fight or restraint, they (sub?)consciously avoid my left ear so the device doesn't get damaged. How funny that in their moments of rage and craziness, they avoid damaging the SpeechEasy. They don't care about damaging anything else, in fact they often target things to damage!

I really started to notice these trends when I interviewed for a new position within the company last week. I told the interviewer that the kids are really fascinated by my stuttering and want to know all about it. I told her that I think its something that the kids can understand that its difficult for me to talk sometimes but I always manage to communicate effectively.

The new position requires a lot of phone calls and work over the phone to plan meetings and get the kids on the hospital unit, out and into other placements. I told the interviewer that I'm no longer afraid of the phone and recounted a story that happened the previous week when I had to be on the phone for several calls dealing with my car and a repair. I told her that; yes, its difficult but I'm very open with it and after a short explanation of the "cutting in and out" or pauses, people on the phone are very easy to deal with and I am able to communicate well. I think she appreciated my honesty about the difficulties but willingness to work through it and get the job done.

Hopefully I made a good enough impression because it seems like a great job that I would do well at... also has better hours, no weekends or holidays and more money = WIN!