"We Drink 'Till Princess Speaks Clearly."

In case you've never met me, you should know that certain amounts of adult beverages make the speech flow much easier... sometimes too easily. In this session, we'll explore why and how that happens and relive some funny moments.

So stuttering is basically an anxiety disorder. Its not officially classified as such but because of how the brain processes speech in the oral and auditory sections of the temporal lobe (see Dr Wertz, I learned stuff). Its officially classified as a learning disorder in the literature but I think that's crap. I think its more of a social anxiety disorder or something along those lines. When I'm alone, I can talk to myself for hours (weirdo) without a single hint of a stutter, but then sometimes I do stutter when I'm alone. I even stutter in my dreams... weirder.
A few months ago I had to make a phone call and I knew I was going to get the voicemail (stutterer's worst nightmare... DON'T GET CUT OFF! PRESSURE!!!!!) so I recorded a message that I wanted to leave on the voicemail. Its really funny and kind of crazy; when I was writing it and practicing the message, I didn't stutter at all. The instant I pressed record on the computer, I stuttered!?! WTF Mate? Don't tell me its not a social anxiety disorder.

So this brings up the use of alcohol. What's the best ingredient for social lubrication? All together class... "Alcohol".
Ever get really nervous about giving a big speech or asking a crush on a date? What do you do? Take shots or pound a beer, right? Now imagine that you have that feeling of nervousness of asking the pretty girl at the bar for her number ALL THE TIME! OK, its not that bad, I do get nervous is big situations like that and its much worse. But its similar. Every time I open my mouth, subconsciously I'm nervous. If I drank to calm the nerves that much, I would've had 16 liver transplants by now and been dead for years. Not a good suggestion...
But sometimes, I've been known to turn to the bottle for those most nerve-racking occasions. Giving a speech at the wedding of my two best friends. I was literally shaking and had 4 rum and cokes in a few minutes with Zach and was much calmer... and it worked, I gave a hella-good speech and didn't stutter much. I've also been known to take a few shots before an important phone-interview for a job and that usually goes well too. Unfortunately, I can't take shots before an in-person interview. As much as I would like to do that, I think social work positions would frown upon a candidate showing up smelling like whiskey.

I really don't do this planned drinking to speak clearly that often. Probably under 10 times in my life. Its just really funny to me to talk about.
I would never have discovered this phenomenon without the awesome support of my friends in High School and College. Obviously if I'm tipsy enough to not stutter, I'm probably not going to have the capacity to think about why that is or remember the awesome nature of my speaking ability the next day. It wasn't until after several of these occasions that people started to broach the topic and we became aware of my superpower. Unlike my cousin Amber, that looses her ability to speak clearly after a few cocktails, I gain powers of speech bested only by Hollywood's elitist actors. OK that's not true. I speak better but not great, its usually just faster speech and I often have to repeat myself, but maybe that's just the loud nature of bars and parties.

A familiar phrase at parties is "Kevin, drink more!" This comes at times when the rest of the party attendees think I should be speaking more clearly than I am at the moment, given the length of time at the party. Its basically a mathematical formula...
Of course the fun of Kevin speaking clearly has its limits. As far as I know its only happened a few times; but one must look out for the re-stutter. This occurs after a long period of great speaking paired with continued drinking. The dreaded re-stutter can be misleading because friends think that I've been lolly-gagging in the pursuit of drunken happiness. But in fact, I've had too much and should have stopped long ago. Of course the other consequence of being in such a situation occur later in the evening with much sickness.

I don't want everyone to get the wrong idea. I don't specifically go to parties or bars to speak clearly. Only job interviews and wedding toasts, duh. I go out or hang out with friends to be social and have a good time, the speaking clearly is just one of many awesome benefits.

So for all of you young stutterers out there, drink often and you'll speak better! It can be a fun game at parties. Sort of like "pin the tail on the donkey" but wait for the stutterer to talk pretty. Then, you know its a night to remember... or forget. But don't do it in school or in front of your family, it gets awkward... and wait until you're 21...or think you're old enough to want to drink... And be careful of the re-stutter, you'll regret it later. TRUST ME!