To Buy of Not to Buy, That is the Question...

So it’s been a while since I've posted anything kids, which is weird because stuttering is always on my mind, always... but I never know what to write about it or how to express it... until now.
I lost my SpeechEasy device in July while riding my bike home from work and stopped off to have a cold beverage with a lovely lady. While at the bar, I realized that my bag was unzipped but didn't think anything of it... So ends the story of the 2nd SpeechEasy device... :(
After coming to terms with my dear friend's departure I also realized that my insurance policy was about to expire and I didn't feel comfortable making a claim until I had renewed and then had a few weeks with the renewed policy.
So last week, I called my agent, Kevin, and made a claim on the device. After several phone calls and basically proving to the claims agents that I REALLY needed a new one I was told I was approved for the full amount of a new one and awaited the check.

During this last week, I've been looking further at my bills in preparation for leaving for the Peace Corp (maybe?) sometime these next few months. I occasionally take an inventory of money-owed vs perceived time to pay it and each time, it looks better but still very very daunting! But fear not friends, Kevin is going to make it and will be debt free by the time he goes to some tiny country where I'll be in the 1%...

So when this check came tonight, I noticed that its almost the exact amount of the current bills I need to pay off. (SpeechEasys are REALLY expensive!)
I had a moment of asking myself, do I really need this? Or do I need to pay off my shit first? I was sitting by my Dad and asked him what he thought about the situation I was facing.
In typical Larry Gebraski fashion, he hummed and hawed and I could tell he was coming with a very reasonable and thought filled answer.
He said that he could tell that I really needed another SpeechEasy because my speech has been really bad without it. But at the same time, paying off my bill and then saving money over the next few months for another one would be smart too because I would end up paying less money overall with credit card fees and interest rates n such. Having no bills would also be a HUGE relief and might also assist in my speech fluency. We all know how much stress play a role in the stutter! Hence the drunken-no-stutter...He said I could just save money and buy a new one in a few months.

I debated it for a while but ended up thinking to myself how much more difficult it is to manage my stuttering without the aid of the device. Call it a crutch or an aide, I don't know...I'm not sure the device itself does anything more than remind me to use the fluency techniques I have learned in the first 25 years of speech therapy.
But isn't that reason enough to have one?

I feel like whether or not the SpeechEasy makes me speak better because of how it works in terms of auditory feedback, having it makes my speak better because of the confidence that it brings me.
Sounds silly right? It is... but then again that’s the beast that is stuttering. IT MAKES NO FUCKING SNESE!!! Just like there's no physical reason that a certain letter or word should be so hard to say one minute but not the next, having a device that just serves as a confidence booster is as helpful for speech fluency as all the therapy combined.
Weird man, fucking weird!

I made up my mind to use the money to buy a new device and keep up working extra to pay off my bills before I leave because frankly, I don't like feeling this way!
I don't like feeling so tense with my speech all the time and not feeling like I have the confidence to speak freely whenever I want to do so.
Now don't get me wrong, it doesn't stop me from talking or being a team-leader at work (for really, people tell me I talk too much all the time) but I feel a lack of confidence in doing so.
With the SpeechEasy device I have the confidence to say whatever I want and not try and trick the stutter monsters and get through speaking with a struggle.
Another thing to keep in mind is that I'm (hopefully!) about to jump in the deep end of a new culture and experience that couldn't be further from my comfort zone!
I'm REALLY nervous about going abroad and learning a new language and experiencing a new culture. Frankly, my stuttering is the only worry I have with the whole process. I know I'm going to do well and help out a lot, but my biggest fear in America is meeting strangers or introducing myself... what will it be like with a totally new language and people that already are going to judge me? Damn!

At the end of this long story, sorry friends. I'm getting a new SpeechEasy device because I need it. I need whatever help I can in dealing with this stuttering thing and the confidence that it brings me will serve me well as I begin the scariest part of my life!

The King's Speech Supercut

I should laugh because its a really heartfelt movie with a great message that I should be proud of... but c'mon 3 minutes of stuttering is 3 minutes of stuttering AKA HILARIOUS! http://thedailywh.at/2012/05/18/supercut-of-the-day-79/

I Think You Are cRaZy!

For many years my friends and loved ones have claimed that they often don't realize that I stutter. They say that after getting to know me and talking to me often, they just ignore the stuttering and think of it as just part of how I talk. Though some also claim to start stuttering after talking to me a long time! They say that its often surprising to them when a new friend or acquaintance brings up the stutter or asks about it in confidence. There's sort of like "Oh yeah, Kevin stutters...I forgot to mention that." They say that its just part of my essence and don't notice it any more. Karen w/"K" Cherone even claims to not have known that I stuttered at all until another friend pointed it out weeks later. LIAR. but I still like you.

I guess its just impossible for me to imagine that people don't realize I stutter all the time when talking, because its literally the only thing I think about every single time I open my mouth. My brain is like a thesaurus and every word I choose is carefully selected from all the other words that could be said in its place. I know I'm going to stutter on a word before it hits my throat/mouth. So I quickly think of another word that I could say instead of the pending stuttering word to get that out quickly and avoid the stutter altogether. Think about this for a minute, every time I ever stutter, that's the EASIEST word that I can say at that moment! So just imagine how bad I'd sound if I only went with the first word that came to mind!?!?! We'd be here a while...
I know therapists tell stutterers not to do this, do not be afraid of words and quickly try to throw a different word out there to trick the stutter. But this is easier said than done. Actually, its the first thing I noticed when I started using the SpeechEasy device, I could try and use the first word I meant and it generally worked out well enough.

So with that said, because I think about stuttering every second that I'm speaking, I have a hard time believing people that say they don't notice it very often. I hope friends aren't just being nice when they say it... but knowing some of my friends, I doubt that's the case! ;)

But then again, as I was planning this post in my head I realized that I don't often notice friend's accents after a while. I mean, sometimes a certain pronunciation of a word will trigger a cue in my head but not often. I was thinking specifically about my friend Jenna from New Zealand. She has a heavy accent but after 2 minutes of talking to her, I don't pay any attention and instead focus on the content of the words she's saying. Occasionally I'll hear a word that "sounds funny" and my subconscious will pick up on it but for the majority of the time I just listen and respond as if she too had a heavy Chicago accent.
I guess this phenomenon of listening to accents also accounts for people picking up accents after spending a great deal of time in a foreign country or talking with someone for long periods of time with an accent. Maybe this same thing is why friends have noticed that they start to stutter around me? See, even your subconscious wants to be like me!
Though its still not OK to start "acting ghetto" around black friends, white people!

So maybe I'm starting to understand what friends have said for years that they don't always notice when I stutter in random conversation or when we shoot the shit...
But I still think you're all crazy!

Open About Difficulties

So I've been at my new job for over 8 months now, not so new anymore huh?
What I like about it (aside from the obvious parts of it being in my field and more money and not sleeping overnight) is that I really feel like the company and my supervisors are on my side. This comes especially true in regards to my stuttering. For the first time with a job and clients/customers I can be truly open about my stuttering and talk about it with the kids. I feel like they understand and appreciate my openness in regards to my stuttering. The kids are genuinely curious about my SpeechEasy device and always want to have it in their ear to hear what it sounds like. Its sort of funny how they act in regards to my SpeechEasy too, during a fight or restraint, they (sub?)consciously avoid my left ear so the device doesn't get damaged. How funny that in their moments of rage and craziness, they avoid damaging the SpeechEasy. They don't care about damaging anything else, in fact they often target things to damage!

I really started to notice these trends when I interviewed for a new position within the company last week. I told the interviewer that the kids are really fascinated by my stuttering and want to know all about it. I told her that I think its something that the kids can understand that its difficult for me to talk sometimes but I always manage to communicate effectively.

The new position requires a lot of phone calls and work over the phone to plan meetings and get the kids on the hospital unit, out and into other placements. I told the interviewer that I'm no longer afraid of the phone and recounted a story that happened the previous week when I had to be on the phone for several calls dealing with my car and a repair. I told her that; yes, its difficult but I'm very open with it and after a short explanation of the "cutting in and out" or pauses, people on the phone are very easy to deal with and I am able to communicate well. I think she appreciated my honesty about the difficulties but willingness to work through it and get the job done.

Hopefully I made a good enough impression because it seems like a great job that I would do well at... also has better hours, no weekends or holidays and more money = WIN!

D. NOT U. I.

I had just eaten a wonderful meal at my dear friend Mark Luebker's restaurant, Stoney River in Deer Park. If you haven't been there, its AWESOME! The steak is delicious, great appetizers, other food, dessert, wine, hell even the butter is better than any other butter you've ever had!

Any way, I enjoyed a glass of wine with my pork chop dinner and thought nothing of it, there was not enough for any speech-altering moments (see previous posts).
As I drove home, south on Rand Road, I might have been distracted by putting my gps back in the glove box and maybe sped a little bit. When I saw the police lights in my rear view mirror, I assumed that he noticed I had my dome light on and was putting a gps in the glove box (not while moving of course) and was pulling me over for being a dumb ass.
So when the officer asked if I knew the speed limit on Rand, before the last light I had to honestly answer that I didn't. I didn't think traffic was light enough to be traveling more than a few mph over so was dumbfounded when he said I was going 47 in a 30. OOPS!
He asked me where I was going, since I live in the city, and I explained that I had just eaten dinner at my friend's restaurant down the street. He asked if I had anything to drink that night and I was honest and said I had a glass of wine but that was a while ago by now (dessert took a long time to eat).
Now, as you can imagine my speech was pretty bad because I was pretty nervous about being pulled over in Palatine.
So when he asked again about drinking I responded that I only had the one drink and I told him that I had a stuttering problem (surprisingly w/o stuttering) and that I wasn't drunk, just stuttering.
(As Jimmy and others later pointed out, if I had been drinking a lot I wouldn't have stuttered, but that's for another post)
But he didn't to hear anything about the stutter or my excuses and started getting very short with me. He first asked me to touch my nose and when that was fine, he pulled out a breathe-alizer and seemed sure that he would bust me.
I said no problem and blew a .025. For those of you that don't know, Illinois' legal limit is .08 so .025 is well below the limit.
The officer saw this number and was now his turn to be dumbfounded. I again explained that I had a speech problem and this time removed my Speech Easy device from my pocket (it wasn't in my ear because I had music playing and the windows down, Mom) and said that I used it to assist with my speech difficulties.
He looked very embarrassed and sort of stumbled for a minute (maybe he needs a Speech Easy) and said he was sorry... and I could go on my way!

Since I told this story last week, people have said I should be angry about it and sue the town for discrimination but lets face facts, I probably was speeding and I'd assume someone not speaking clearly after dinner was drunk too. As we've talked about before, the blocking form of stuttering is less clear. If I'd said that I'd been coming from St-st-st-stoney River instead of SSSSTTTToney River, I might not have been pulled out of the car and still gotten the ticket after all.
So the important lesson from this is...

STUTTERING SAVES TRAFFIC TICKETS!!!!

SpeechEasy in the News

The same device that I use is in the news this week. Its gained quite a bit of attention lately because of its tiny nature and ability to be almost invisible, unlike hearing-aid devices of the past.
I chose this paticular model, mainly because it sits behind the ear and then has a clear tube into the ear. My previous model was completely in the ear, so I guess less visible, but didn't have an on/off switch. It was too hard to use in a place with any background noise at all. Imagaine a busy restaurant and all the untensils hitting plates or people talking... ouch! The new one that sits behind the ear can be worn all the time and be off if I'm not talking or in a quiet place. Its much easier to remember to turn it on and use the device if its in the ear vs in my pocket and obviously not on. Also, its much less hot and sweaty! Ear sweat is really gross, trust me.

http://stutteringnews.com/2011/03/30/spotlight-on-stuttering-by-the-daily-reflector/

"We Drink 'Till Princess Speaks Clearly."

In case you've never met me, you should know that certain amounts of adult beverages make the speech flow much easier... sometimes too easily. In this session, we'll explore why and how that happens and relive some funny moments.

So stuttering is basically an anxiety disorder. Its not officially classified as such but because of how the brain processes speech in the oral and auditory sections of the temporal lobe (see Dr Wertz, I learned stuff). Its officially classified as a learning disorder in the literature but I think that's crap. I think its more of a social anxiety disorder or something along those lines. When I'm alone, I can talk to myself for hours (weirdo) without a single hint of a stutter, but then sometimes I do stutter when I'm alone. I even stutter in my dreams... weirder.
A few months ago I had to make a phone call and I knew I was going to get the voicemail (stutterer's worst nightmare... DON'T GET CUT OFF! PRESSURE!!!!!) so I recorded a message that I wanted to leave on the voicemail. Its really funny and kind of crazy; when I was writing it and practicing the message, I didn't stutter at all. The instant I pressed record on the computer, I stuttered!?! WTF Mate? Don't tell me its not a social anxiety disorder.

So this brings up the use of alcohol. What's the best ingredient for social lubrication? All together class... "Alcohol".
Ever get really nervous about giving a big speech or asking a crush on a date? What do you do? Take shots or pound a beer, right? Now imagine that you have that feeling of nervousness of asking the pretty girl at the bar for her number ALL THE TIME! OK, its not that bad, I do get nervous is big situations like that and its much worse. But its similar. Every time I open my mouth, subconsciously I'm nervous. If I drank to calm the nerves that much, I would've had 16 liver transplants by now and been dead for years. Not a good suggestion...
But sometimes, I've been known to turn to the bottle for those most nerve-racking occasions. Giving a speech at the wedding of my two best friends. I was literally shaking and had 4 rum and cokes in a few minutes with Zach and was much calmer... and it worked, I gave a hella-good speech and didn't stutter much. I've also been known to take a few shots before an important phone-interview for a job and that usually goes well too. Unfortunately, I can't take shots before an in-person interview. As much as I would like to do that, I think social work positions would frown upon a candidate showing up smelling like whiskey.

I really don't do this planned drinking to speak clearly that often. Probably under 10 times in my life. Its just really funny to me to talk about.
I would never have discovered this phenomenon without the awesome support of my friends in High School and College. Obviously if I'm tipsy enough to not stutter, I'm probably not going to have the capacity to think about why that is or remember the awesome nature of my speaking ability the next day. It wasn't until after several of these occasions that people started to broach the topic and we became aware of my superpower. Unlike my cousin Amber, that looses her ability to speak clearly after a few cocktails, I gain powers of speech bested only by Hollywood's elitist actors. OK that's not true. I speak better but not great, its usually just faster speech and I often have to repeat myself, but maybe that's just the loud nature of bars and parties.

A familiar phrase at parties is "Kevin, drink more!" This comes at times when the rest of the party attendees think I should be speaking more clearly than I am at the moment, given the length of time at the party. Its basically a mathematical formula...
Of course the fun of Kevin speaking clearly has its limits. As far as I know its only happened a few times; but one must look out for the re-stutter. This occurs after a long period of great speaking paired with continued drinking. The dreaded re-stutter can be misleading because friends think that I've been lolly-gagging in the pursuit of drunken happiness. But in fact, I've had too much and should have stopped long ago. Of course the other consequence of being in such a situation occur later in the evening with much sickness.

I don't want everyone to get the wrong idea. I don't specifically go to parties or bars to speak clearly. Only job interviews and wedding toasts, duh. I go out or hang out with friends to be social and have a good time, the speaking clearly is just one of many awesome benefits.

So for all of you young stutterers out there, drink often and you'll speak better! It can be a fun game at parties. Sort of like "pin the tail on the donkey" but wait for the stutterer to talk pretty. Then, you know its a night to remember... or forget. But don't do it in school or in front of your family, it gets awkward... and wait until you're 21...or think you're old enough to want to drink... And be careful of the re-stutter, you'll regret it later. TRUST ME!